LOTR Meets Monty Python
by luna-rose
Summary: Different scenes from Monty Python starring the LOTR characters.
1. Silly Military Drills

Authors: Frodo Took (ctiffany@earthlink.net) and Zerah Star (earh_561@hotmail.com)  
Rating: PG-13 we suppose  
  
Silly Military Drills:  
  
"Right then!" says Aragorn standing outside facing a group of soldiers and.. Gandalf, "let's see something decent and military; some precision drilling!"  
  
Taking this as his cue Gandalf turns to the group of soldiers, who are (in this order):  
  
Boromir Faramir Theodred Hama Haldir Elledan Elohir Glorfindel  
  
Clapping and addressing the group, Gandalf says in a fluttery-girl-very-gay- Gandalf-voice: "Alright! Boys! Boys! Places! Places!" he finishes by fluttering his hands and stand at the front of the group.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"Ok, was that creepy or was it just me?" asks Zerah.  
  
"Creepy, very, very, creepy. Hope Aragorn didn't see that," replies Luna looking aghast.  
  
~Un-pause~  
  
"Ready! Begin!"  
  
"Ooh, get her! Whoops!" sings the whole group and Gandalf complete with movements. "I've got your number, but you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three."  
  
~Pause~  
  
"What in the bleedin hell was that?!"  
  
~Un-pause~  
  
"I'll scratch your eyes out." Continue the group while making a scratching motion to the side till their hand lands on the shoulder of the person next to them.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"Do girls really do that?" Zerah asks with a confused look on her face.  
  
"I think it's a gay thing," responds Luna with an equally confused look.  
  
~Un-pause~  
  
"Don't come the bigger dear bitch with us, dear. We all know where you've been you military fairy, two, three." Sings the group complete with a kick line, some weird form of ballet, and a 'gay walk'.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"And I thought the can-can with Hobbits was weird." Says Zerah.  
  
"Weird?? I thought it was hot!"  
  
"Yes well, you're a hobbit fanatic."  
  
"Your point?"  
  
~Un-pause~  
  
"One, two, three, four, five, six." Sings the group while 'gay-walking' back.  
  
~Pause~  
  
Luna has one eyebrow raised at this, while Zerah is laughing hysterically. She then promplly falls of her chair and continues to laugh. "Are you ok?!" Luna asks, setting down the bowl of popcorn in her lap and helping Zerah back up. "Yea, I'm good." Once under control she sits back on the chair and picks up the remote again.  
  
~Un-pause~  
  
"Whoops! Don't look now, girls. The maid is just mince in that jolly color, Sergeant. Two Three. Ooh!" The group ends back into a military relaxed position.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"What the @!&% #$@%^ &^*$$@ #%!@#!$#%$." yells Luna.  
  
"Why were there symbols when you cursed?"  
  
".We're being watched again." Both look around, while the Middle-Earth version of the theme from the 'Twilight Zone' plays in the background.  
  
~Un-Pause~  
  
"Right, stop that! It's silly. And a bit suspect, I think." Aragorn tells his men, than looks at Gandalf. "Why wasn't I invited?" he asks the wizard.  
  
The two Valar are so stunned by this both jaws drop and the popcorn bowl Luna was holding falls from the sky and hits Theodred on the head with a loud BONG, knocking him out cold. The remaining conscience ones of the group look at their fallen comrade, then up at the two Valar that can now be seen sitting on their cloud looking around confused.  
  
Gandalf simply looks around and whistles innocently to Aragorn's question.  
  
"Where's the remote??" asks a perplexed Luna, she then sees King Théoden running off with it. "Hey! How did you get up here?! Come back with that!!" She screams running after him.  
  
Zerah looks after her fellow Valar running after the mere mortal with the magic remote, then turns towards the readers and says: "And now for something completely different."  
  
TBC. 


	2. Falling People

Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR or Monty Pythonor anything else used in here except the idea behind it.  
Authors' Note: Please read and review. Flames will be used to heat our hot-air ballon to travel to new zealand for the RotK premiere!  
  
Falling People:  
  
Elrond and Celeborn are in Lorien reading in the Library  
  
~Pause~  
  
"So what are we doing here, Luna?"  
"I heard that some people are trying out a new sport and I wanted to see what it was."  
"Ah, sounds interesting, so why are we watching these two?"  
"Ummm, I don't know.... just watch!"  
  
~Unpause~  
  
Elrond suddenly looks up when he sees someone fall by the window.  
"Celeborn, did you just see that?"  
"Hmm?" he replied, not looking up from the massive book he's reading.  
"Did you see someone go past that window?"  
"What?" he asks, raising his head slightly.  
Elrond glares at him for a moment before replying.  
"Someone went past that window downwards."  
"What?" Celeborn says again, finally looking up.  
"It looked like one of my sons. There he goes back up!"  
"Oh," is all the reply he gets before Celeborn looks back down at his book.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"Well that was odd. Poor Elrond, getting ignored like that," Zerah says, patting her dog, Gidget.  
"Hmm, well he is talking to an elf that is older than him," Luna replies, eyeing the dog.  
"True, but it's still sad." She goes to continue rubbing her dog, but finds her gone.  
"Luna, where did Gidget go?"  
Luna grins at Zerah and says nothing.  
"LUNA!!!!"  
"Hmm?"  
"Don't you start that! Where's my bloody dog!?"  
"Oh, I sent him off to the Shire. I'm sure my two lovies, Merry and Pippin, will have lots of fun with her," she replies still grinning. Truth be told, she didn't actually send her there, but she wasn't going to tell Zerah that.  
"Oh, um, ok..."  
  
~Unpause~  
  
Another person falls past the window.  
"Another one!" cries Elrond.  
Celeborn jumps. "What?"  
"Another one just went past downwards...and now back up again. I think it was my other son!"  
Celeborn raises an eyebrow. "How do you know that?"  
"The clothing was different," he replies absentmindedly.  
The elder elf looks at the other for a moment, then looks back at his book. "Ok, that's nice."  
"What?!" Elrond closes the book on Celeborn, causing the other elf to look up.  
"Look, my two sons...now my son-in-law have gone past that window," they both look this time, and Celeborn again raises an eyebrow as Aragorn goes back up past the window.  
"Hmm, must be that new thing called bungee-jumping."  
"You're allowing it to happen here?"  
"Well, um...no, I didn't know it was going on..."  
Elrond interrupts him. "Wouldn't Galadriel have known?"  
"Well, yes, but she doesn't tell me everything."  
"Oh, yeah, true." Celeborn opens his book again, and they both go back to reading.  
  
~Pause~  
  
Zerah and Luna are both laughing their heads off.  
"That was soo funny!" Luna says, finally calming down enough to talk.  
"Which part, Elrond yelling at Celeborn till he was red in the face, or just the whole thing?"  
"The latter!"  
"I agree. I wonder how Gidget's doing?"  
"Oh, screw the psycho dog!"  
"Hey! Screw you, that's my dog you're insulting!"  
"Zerah, I don't want to screw you, I have two hobbits, and a very handsome pirate in the future Caribbean to do that for me."  
Zerah stares at her wide-eyed. "A pirate?! Oy!"  
"Oh you should talk, you're with a pirate as well, even if he doesn't act like one."  
"Well, true, but still, if you're talking about who I think you are, I would have thought he was gay with all the strutting and hand movements he does."  
"NO! He's very straight, I think..."  
  
~Unpause~  
  
Another person falls by.  
"That was Legolas," Elrond says.  
"No, that was Haldir."  
"Legolas."  
"Haldir."  
Yet another blonde goes by.  
"That was Legolas."  
"Ah, ok."  
  
~Pause~  
  
"Why am I not surprised that your two lovies are doing this?" Luna says, smiling at her friend.  
"Well, I don't think Aragorn would go do this on his own. He was probably put up to it by the others."  
"Hmm, and wouldn't one of his stewards have to go with him?"  
"Yeah...wait, he only has one. You kept Boromir alive didn't you?"  
"Not by choice. I was told to by many other people."  
"Sure..."  
"Oh hush you!"  
  
~Unpause~  
  
"Be Faramir next," says Elrond, still reading.  
"Why Faramir?"  
"Aragorn's here, so his steward would be as well."  
"Ah, bet you it won't though."  
"How much?" Asks Elrond, closing his book.  
"Excuse me?" Celeborn replies, closing his book as well.  
"How much are you willing to bet it won't? Two mistresses?"  
"Hmm, male or female?"  
"Whatever you wish."  
"Right. Done. You're on."  
They shake hands, then lean out the window and look up into the trees.  
"Come on, Fary!" yells Elrond.  
"Don't be silly Fary!"  
"Come on Fary, jump!"  
"Don't be a stupid man!"  
  
~Pause~  
  
"Now I feel sorry for Faramir."  
"Don't, I'd like to see him jump."  
"You know what, so would I, but I don't think he will on his own. I think we should go give him a hand." An evil grin spreads across Zerah's face.  
"I agree. Let's go."  
  
~Unpause~  
  
Faramir is up in a tree just besides the library window writing a letter to his brother, Boromir.  
'Dear brother,  
I seem to be up a very, repeat, VERY huge and high tree with a long rubbery cord wrapped around my ankles. The others who have gone before me returned safely, but I am still weary........."  
  
Faramir's quill and paper fall to the floor as he is pushed off the ledge. Zerah and Luna are standing laughing where Faramir just was. They stop, smile, and vanish.  
  
~Pause~  
  
"So, now can I go get my dog?"  
"Yeah, sure, go right ahead."  
Zerah begins to walk away.  
"Oh wait, I almost forgot to tell you..."  
"Yes?"  
"I didn't send him to the Shire...I sent him to Mordor, BYE!" Luna vanishes.  
"What!?" Zerah vanishes as well.  
  
Luna is sitting on a boat that is obviously many years in the future with a pirate walking up behind her wearing a red bandana around his head.  
"And now for something completely different."  
  
TBC... 


End file.
